Writing Practice – 4/8/2018

Inspired by Ursula K. Le Guin, Finding My Elegy, p 47.

Between us

is neither forgiveness

nor reparation

but only the sea waves, the sea wind.

 

Between us is a gulf

a vastness

a distance compounded by time,

that destroys consciousness with pity.

 

Between us is

nothing,

for we are bonded like ionic or

covalence or convalescents,

In a place not of our choosing,

surrounded by life not of our design.

 

Between us is

a rift, years old and fights wide,

stretched with each faint slight,

Deepened with each perceived snub,

Darkened with each impassioned plea for reconnection,

because of feelings of duty, an honor, and hobligation.

 

Between us is

a coffee table, with

two coffee cups, and

twelve ounces of coffee, and

three lumps of sugar in one,

and a dash of honey and two

creams in the other,

and two coasters, round, woven of some

brown wood-like material, gently

warming under the influence of

the mugs, and

two spoons, dripping, slowly dripping,

tendrils down their curved undersides

to pool on the ceramic surface of the table, and

a handful of napkins, unused, and

six minutes worth of tears, and

the unrealized expectations you

have now deposited upon that ceramic surface, seemingly designed for only this purpose, to comfort you, to catch your fall, to hold you up after I’ve done the incomprehensible, the unimaginable, the terrible, and told you I can’t have a baby with you, I won’t have a baby with you,

I already had a pregnancy with

you and I don’t any more.

12 thoughts on “Writing Practice – 4/8/2018

  1. This is good. What does it mean to you? I like your use of scientific terms. I am struggling with understanding the second part.

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  2. Not sure if it “means” anything to me. It means that I spent some time thinking, and clearing my mind, and allowing whatever bubbled up through the subconscious to simply sit on the page, without revision (“hobligation”), as fresh and raw as it came. The fact that some of the words are big and scientific means that I’ve read widely, I’ve filled my subconscious with lots of different experiences, and this wonderful, incomprehensible brain of mine sorted through those myriad connections to find parallels where they might not have otherwise been.

    But – I’m more interested in what this means to you. Other than “like”, does this evoke images within your mind? Does it help you recall a specific moment? Does it make your stomach flutter? Do you get the urge to throw something at your screen when you reach the end?

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  3. It speaks to me of love and fear. Torture and resentment for being uncontrolled weakness. It is judgemental and from the point of view of someone who seems condescending. Someone who does not finish what they start because of fear. Someone on a journey to find themselves and blatantly hurting others in the process. Reminds me of someone who considers themselves the “victim” so they have a way out. Reminds me of my oldest son, Luke.

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    1. pertaining to myself, it makes me feel unsettled. Like someone has taken advantage of someone. Like someone who may say or do something with little regret for another person because they feel they are above people. Sociopathic perhaps. Numb. Careless with peoples emotions. It hurts.

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      1. Impact strongly? Was not that your intention? Do you feel what you write? I write and sometimes my paper is wet with tears of sadness or tears of joy. I get so angry I break my pen. I laugh and sometimes I scare myself. I do not write unless I can feel something. Why else would anyone even pick up a pen? I read your LOVE 1-10…..Is this true, is it what you believe? Or are these all just words that you think sound good together SJ

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  4. Allowing myself time to think, here is what I came to…….someone who sees relationships as cost-benefit or risk-benefit analysis. They are incapable of loving anyone other than themselves because they are telling themselves no one is worthy. Someone who is perhaps questioning their sexuality or purpose. Someone who was sexually abused and enjoyed it or hid it. Someone who gaslights in relationships because of their own short comings. A red-pilled separatist who has no identity, but wants to be someones god.

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  5. The writer is describing a relationship. Which was only based on sexual desire and codependence . She/he felt like their feelings and needs were more important than the other persons . She/he broke the others heart. Because she/he was afraid of sharing their life with another afraid of taking risks. She/he felt that their current situation was more important because of a promise. They were opposites that were drawn together by something lustful, perhaps unhealthy. They have nothing left between them but passionate dark remberances and hard times that were bittersweet. As the reader gets to the end it is realized that it is a man talking about a woman. One whom he felt was perhaps hypergamous. There is a lot there. At the same time there is nothing.
    This is heartbreaking. He thought his needs and wants superceded hers. Trying to find himself…… he didn’t and doesn’t care about her. He couldn’t see a future with her because of his own shortcomings. Which he shoved off onto her. Perhaps to make her crazy, to ruin her, to kill her. The life he had inside of him is dead. He refuses to live life except through obligation and responsibility. She was notch in his inexperienced belt. There is a lot of pain here. Selfish. Righteous. Self-righteous. I love it and hate it.

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  6. If someone had told me that “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all” when I was going through the heartache of trying to emotionally detach from someone that I loved, I think I would have felt like slapping them. I didn’t want to love him! It hurt too much!

    Years later, I do actually get it! You see, what I came to find, is that love is what’s inside of you – it never really is about the other person. Detaching from someone that you gave your heart to, is a process. It truly is a journey of self discovery, but if you are prepared to do the work, it can lead you to a path of finding emotional freedom and inner wisdom. One of the things you have to do is to take control of your mind and it’s thought patterns which keep you in an obsessive loop. We know that our suffering is in our thoughts- so you have to retrain you subconscious mind- and give it a new pattern of thoughts.

    Let me share with you some of my “processing”. After I had some distance from the relationship, but was still struggling to emotionally let go, I asked myself: What would he actually add to my life that I don’t have, that I needed from him specifically? When I really thought about it – the answer was – only drama, chaos and uncertainty. There was nothing I really needed from him. In fact, I didn’t even like the man he was becoming – even though I thought I loved him! (that’s how powerful the bonding chemicals are.) I realised that what I was really holding on to were the emotions of grief- more than the actual person. I was holding on to the suffering! The sadness, the longing, the missing of that person in my life, the nostalgia of the memories and even the hurt of the betrayal. Now, I think it is perfectly natural to feel these emotions- I mean, if someone you loved died, you would feel the same- but in my case, he had CHOSEN to leave me- so those emotions were not really serving me. I was choosing to suffer! Somewhere in my mind, I was thinking, surely he must feel it too. I mean, I was no longer in his life either. I had been by his side for 8 frigging years- surely it meant something! By coming to understand that he was not encumbered by nostalgia, or haunted by memories of the past, actually started to help me. Things, people and places just did not mean that much to him, and our history was not that important to him. I had to realise that it did not matter how attractive, intelligent, loving and caring I was (and I was all that) I could not compete with a new shiny toy.

    Yes that is sad, and I could be bitter about it, but no amount of my “suffering” was going to make a difference in his life. By the time I got to this point in my processing, I was pretty much over it. I knew I did not need to hold on to him, or the emotions. The cognitive dissonance was starting to dissolve. So the only thing left to do was to take control of my life -to work on myself. We can’t control anyone else, so control what you can. That’s when you decide to build the best damn life you can, for you! You get to the point where you take your power back. You realise that YOU are in fact the awesome person with the qualities you attributed to him. When someone suggested that I write down what it is that I actually love about him, I actually stopped short – because I realised that what I loved, were the very qualities he had proven himself not to have (loyalty, personal integrity, honour, faithfulness) and actually those qualities were me! I loved the illusion of what I wanted him to be.

    So my advice is this – heal your emotions and you may get a new insight into the relationship. You may find you will always care about that person you once shared your life with, but you will be ok with it, it will no longer hurt you.

    its been almost a month since he walked out of my life and my world fell apart. I still live a life full of love, joy and happiness-because that’s who I am. I am the source of that, and I can give that to others!

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