Writing Practice 12/29/2018

Warning Labels…

We don’t have warning labels on the right things. We have one on our mattress – a sleeping thing, for gods’ sake! But whoever really felt screwed by their imitation mattress? I mean, really, if you can’t tell when you lie down that you’ve got a real or a fake one, some stupid piece of tag stuck to the corner isn’t going to do you a lot of good.

I need a warning label on more things. People, everyone needs more of a warning label. Like, the one on me about 5 years would have said, “Warning: Deprive this man of intimacy, affection, and recognition of the hard work he’s doing and the pressure he is under and he will snap. Futures include holes in walls, doors, and late night drives that only compound the feelings of guilt, not absolve them.”

Our genitals need warning labels. “Warning: improper use could lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy, loneliness, and frustration.

Warning: Proper use could lead to a lifetime of responsibility for another human being, as well as necessary interaction with that other human’s other parent for the corresponding time frame.”

Our schools need warning labels:

“Warning: inside you shall not necessarily learn skill to help you succeed at life. Instead, you are likely to learn how to follow rules, because the consequences for rule-breaking are inclusive of exclusion from society, shame, feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. These feelings are wrong, but the are likely to come anyway.”

Our world needs a warning label:

“Warning – contents under pressure. This situation has been building for hundreds of millions of years. To release all that in one fell swoop of a couple of hundred years is pretty stupid, don’t you think? It mean, who knows what could happen? You’re trying to undo millennia of a one-way process in just a few short decades. You ever think that might have some consequence? No, no you didn’t. And now look – you’ve cocked it all up. Who can tell what’s about to happen? Shame, shame on you. And that one is right.”

You know what else needs warning labels? Puppies and kittens.

“Warning: playing with this animal is likely to induce feelings of happiness, joy, relaxation, and a desire to emotionally bond with it over the coming months. You’ve been warned.”