What is love? (6 of 10)

Why? Who wants to know? Are you asking about how I loved in the past? That was easy – sacrifice. Ignorance of self. In fact, it may have been more like self-loathing or self-despite, despise, rather than love for the other. What I did I did to keep the peace, not because I necessarily loved. What I did I did because I wished to serve another, not to glorify another. I “loved” God, so I did what God said to do. I did not desire to do what I did – I did not yearn for the kind of lifestyle I lived. I yearned for acceptance, for adoration, from those who I respected, admired, looked up to. I wished for them to tell me “well done, good and faithful servant,” in a proxy voice standing in for the God I worshiped. Did I love the actions I did? Purity. Witness. Study and learn. No. Did I live for them? Yes. But was it love?

I “loved” Jen by giving her the things she wanted. I loved her by accepting her decisions ion items. I loved her by kowtowing when we had a fight. I backed off. “Okay, you’re right,” so as to not have to fight any longer. Peacemaker. Appeaser. But love? No, probably not. I didn’t love in the sense of loving myself first, and only then being able to truly love another. I did not know myself. I did not allow myself to know myself. To understand some of why I have done the things I did.

I did not, because it was easier. It was comfortable. It did not hurt; it did not require me standing up to another and initiating a conversation which needed to happen. It did not result in consequences for me or another. It did not allow both of us to grow and mature. It did not recognize that love is not appeasement. Love is not giving only. Love is not happy-happy-joy-joy!! all the time.

Love is dirty. Love is painful. Love hopes heals. Waits. Love tells the truth. And for that, love is sometimes kicked ot the curb, because the audience cannot handle the reality. Cannot surpass the ideal in the mind, cannot supplant that idyllic image with a less glorious, but more real, more true, more honest version of reality. It is a shame and a terrible one at that. But – when many people talk of love, they talk of “happiness” and “joy” and “freedom”. They do not recognize that with those, in teh bonds of love, in the bonds of devotion, also come terror – and heartbreak – and futility. Those do not negate love. They do not eliminate joy. But they tint the pur-white sky overhead with tiny, wispy black streaks, rendering the image imperfect, impure, but, at the same moment, more real than could ever be imagined. 

Love Is (1 of 10)

A while ago she asked me what love means to me. I have done some free writing on that topic. 10 sessions on that, to be frank. I’d like to share them.
Love is…

Love is unreal. It defies nature and nature’s god. It is an emotion and a state of being and a mountaintop of hope. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things? No. That is devotion, which is not love. devotion is single-minded. Devotion is “yes Ma’am” and “no Sir” and “right away boss.” That is not love.

Love is “I will, because you ask.” Love is “I will not, even though you beg.” Love is light in the brightest day. Light in the night is easy. it doesn’t mean anything. It has no setting up that tells it how to live, how to be. How to breathe. But light in the day, when it must be blinding, glaring, overwhelming just to be noticed, is love.

Love is patient and kind. Nope again. That is obedience. That is duty. Love is not to allow those under your care to have their innocence ripped away along with their hymens. Love is not to turn the other cheek – [illegible]. Oh, those may be love, but not love for another. No, that is love for the self, that is love to secure one’s place in the Heavens. That is, perhaps, a love of God, but it is not a love of another. Love for another is when you are willing to take the bad to get to the good. Nope. Love is when you demand the bad in order to balance out the impossibly good. Love is determined, love is not boastful or rude. Nope. Love makes the loudest screech the world knows. Love makes the world hear.

Love makes the world go round? Wrong again, boyo. Love is a fancy chemical by-product of an evolutionary process that has resulted in these meatbags being able to comprehend a higher order experience, something somehow greater than simply existence and replication and to identify that not only in oneself but in another, not only to recognize that in the other but inexplicably draw out words to describe it, words that cannot begin to contain it, this emotion, this experience, this chemical reaction that cascades from the [ilegible] to the hypothalamus across the limbic cortex into the frontal lobe and finally to the spleen or the liver or the gall bladder or something, some receptacle where the excess serotonin and dopamine and Igbo-whatever-it all cascades from the highest point and waterfalls down to those river depths triggering reactions all along the way. 

They are there and they are here, and we, we, inexplicably, understandably (because we learned over time) have need to explain the inner workings of the body, like we have a need to explain the outer workings of the cosmos) we lead them to think of this as something we have decided on, something we control, something we need and desire and this is because of when we [illegible] it all is nothing more than a chemical reaction designed, or rather, evolved, to help ensure the production of our DNA inside these meatbags.

Congratulations, Stephan. You just fucked up love. Way to go. Hope you’re happy with yourself. Well done, asshole.