Writing Practice 1/5/2019

Beards are good for…

Beards are good for covering up acne and other blemishes on the lower half of your face only. They don’t do a lot for the zits, pimples, blackheads, whiteheads that show up on your upper cheeks, lower (way lower) neck, and forehead, but, let’s be honest, you gotta take what you can get.

Beards are good for intimidation. I mean, how many times have you walked up to a 300 pound man with a wide, full, scruffy beard hanging ten inches down below his chin and said, “Yeah, I can take him”? You don’t do it. But imagine the same guy, same size, same shape, and this time he’s clean-shaven, so you can see that extra roll of fat around his neck, and his sunken chin, and the fact that his earlobes hang way down, and all of a sudden he’s not so sure, he just looks like a big lump. That’s the beard effect.

Beards are good for sculpting. There actually are international championships of beard & mustache care / sculpting / art work. It’s about as ridiculous as the contests that women enter to see who can have the most radical hairdo. It’s strange, but we want to find as many ways to fuck up our own natural looks as possible, so we pierce, we tattoo, we makeup, we sculpt, we lipo, we dye, we change our clothes to meet “fashion”, and what is it all for, anyway? What do we end up doing with those things? Not having epic beards, that’s for sure.

Beards are good for distinguishing males from females. Not many times do you see someone with a beard and it’s a female. Not the full beard, at least. A lot of 70-somethings, 80-somethings, 90-somethings grow that thing, long, downy hair on their chin, like only twenty or so, and it rolls back under their chin and just kind of lays there, so they sort of, from the side at least, look like a little Billy Goat. Ha! Billy Goat Grandma, how are you doing today? “Not ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d!”

I crack me up. That’s a good Dad joke. I’ll have to remember that one.